Weeping may tarry for the night, but JOY comes with the morning. Psalm 30:5
Joy is my word for the year. I have experienced great joy in 2009.
There was great joy in our hearts on the morning of July 21, 2009. The two positive lines meant we were going to have another baby. This precious one would complete our family, be our caboose, our number 4. I waited a few days and took another test to confirm that those two lines did indeed mean we would be welcoming a new bundle of joy into our family in 40 weeks.
We were so excited. We determined that we would wait until after the first ultrasound to tell our family and friends that way Jake could be the one to tell everyone.
However, it didn’t take very long for me to begin to think, “something wasn’t right.” I knew that I ALWAYS get sick at week 5. Being sick at week 5 has been a nonnegotiable symptom with each of my pregnancies, except for the miscarriage preceding Judd. I was extremely tired and hungry but not sick. I tried to find joy in the fact that maybe I wouldn’t get sick this time, but still deep down knowing that I needed and wanted to be sick.
On August 21, Jim and I went to the doctor for our first ultrasound and visit. In just a few minutes, we saw a blob on the screen and tiny heartbeat. Upon seeing the heartbeat, the list of all the concerns started:
- The heartbeat was a little slow for a 7-week baby. (91 beats per minute)
- The baby was measuring 6 weeks 3 days instead of 7 weeks 2 days.
- I was experiencing sac separation.
- I had two cysts on my ovaries.
We talked to the doctor and she expressed her concerns and we expressed ours since we had already lost one baby and I felt that this would end in the same way. We made an appointment to have a repeat ultrasound in one week. From that moment, Jim and I were just a little lost. We felt like we didn’t have any answers and answers were what we wanted from this the appointment since I “hadn’t felt right” this entire time. We just left with more questions.
For a week, we prayed that when we went back we would have very clear answers. I was very confused all week because I still felt tired and hungry. I didn’t understand why I had to feel this way if this baby was not going to live and then Thursday morning brought clarity. I woke Thursday morning with a confirmation in my spirit that the pregnancy had ended and that when we went back there would not be a heartbeat. I was not sick or tired all day. I felt completely “normal.” I was very emotional but also I rejoiced that the Lord allowed to me know and sense this before the ultrasound. I needed a day to “prepare” for the ultrasound.
On August 28, we went back for a follow-up ultrasound. The ultrasound confirmed what we already knew. There was no heartbeat. This precious baby had gone into the arms of Jesus before us.
On August 31, I went to the hospital for outpatient surgery. Now we focus on the future, healing, and finding normal once again.
During this time and all the time:
- I find joy in the fact that this little one will never have to experience the tears and suffering of this world.
- I find joy in knowing that this baby is in the arms of Jesus.
- I find joy in three precious babies that God has entrusted to Jim and me.
- I find joy in suffering.
- I find joy in waiting.
- I find joy in knowing He is faithful.
- I find joy in knowing that the steps of a man are established by the Lord…
- I find joy in knowing that I have a God who saves.
- I find joy in Jesus.